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A Love Letter to Governors Abbott and DeSantis
You, sirs, are the gift that keeps on giving
Dear Governors DeSantis and Abbott —
First off, thank you for liberating thousands of newly arrived human beings from the hellhole the rest of America knows as “Texas.” I’m sure most of them, when they fled the terror and poverty of their own countries to come to the land of the free in Texas, had no idea they were going to a new place of terror, a place led by men devoid of conscience, a state run by bigots and idiots too stupid to know how to a) build a modern energy grid, and b) figure out how to hook that grid up to the rest of the country’s grid so they wouldn’t freeze to death in the winter.
These new immigrants also probably hadn’t heard that, long before the Supreme Court’s ruling in June, Texas politicians had already legalized the removal of human rights from women and in doing so, made them second-class citizens. And I’m certain they had no clue just how unsafe their children would be in a state that hands out assault weapons like candy and then, as their own 10-year-olds are being slaughtered with said guns, 400 “law enforcement” officers show up and are too chicken-shit to risk their own lives to save them. In Texas, why on earth would you put yourself at risk to save a child?!!
Esteemed Governors, you’ve done a great service to these new arrivals by getting them out of Texas. They probably don’t know that in the rest of America there’s not a single person who ever thinks to themself, “Oh my God, I can’t wait to move to Texas!”
And Governor DeSantis of Florida — what a mensch you are! These people aren’t even in Florida! Yet you’re using Florida taxpayers’ money to send private jets to Texas to give free rides for homeless people to go to Martha’s Vineyard! Wow! How do the rest of us sign up for this?!
Governor Abbott, I know you’ve been criticized for “kidnapping” these penniless, frightened humans and their babies and herding them onto busses for a 30-hour transport to New York City, Chicago, DC and Massachusetts where you just randomly drop them off, no advance notice to local agencies who might be able to help them by making sure they have food and a place to sleep and making sure that they are safe. I get why you don’t want more of “these people” in your state. In the last decade you’ve now become our sixth non-white state — along with New Mexico (63.5% non-white), Hawaii (78.4% non-white), Maryland (52.9% non-white), Nevada (54.1% non-white), and California (65.3% non-white), plus the District of Columbia (62.1% non-white)* — where the majority of your citizens are not caucasian. I mean, when one thinks of Texas, you think of a state packed with good ol’ boys, rednecks, white on white, shit-kickin’ boots and country music. But the statistics don’t lie and today white people are now the official minority in Texas. I don’t care how many beer-soaked BBQs or hee-haw rodeos you have, or how many black men you drag down a country road on a rope tied to your trailer hitch, the plain truth is that 61.2% of Texas is now Hispanic, Black, Asian, Native Hawaiian/Pacific Islander, or American Indian/Alaska Native. In 2022, these groups combine to make up the vast majority of the Texas population. So from now on when people hear the word “Texan,” they need to immediately think Megan Thee Stallion (Houston), not Billy Bob Bibb (numerous Billy Bobs throughout TX). Think Selena Gomez (Grand Prairie, TX), not Louis Gohmert (Tyler, TX). Patrick Mahomes (Tyler, TX) and Jamie Foxx (Terrell, TX), Simone Biles (Spring, TX) and Nelly (Spring, TX), Eva Longoria (Corpus Christi, TX) and Forest Whitaker (Longview, TX). Oh, and Beyoncé. She’s from Houston. And she does wear shit-kickin’ boots.
So I get it, Gov. Abbott. This has been a scary transition for you and your fellow whiteys. The writing is on the wall. You are maybe just one election cycle away from losing power — and Texas becoming a Blue state.
But if you think you can bus your way out of this racial flip by shipping as many Latinos north as possible, I hate to tell you, there aren’t enough unmarked busses in El Paso or private jets on loan from your buddy in West Palm Beach to haul out millions of Brown and Black people from the Lone Star State to your new detention camps in the frozen North in order to make your state majority-white again. Of course, it’s obviously not the same as loading Jewish families into cattle cars 80 years ago, but we get it. 90% of these refugees you’ve snatched and shipped off are all Catholic. And because we in the North were taught the true history of race in America (teachings which you and Gov. DeSantis have now made illegal), we know that this country’s KKK ancestors hated one group nearly as much as they did Black people — and that was the Catholics. I should know. The local Klan in 1916 burned a cross in my grandparents’ yard because my grandfather, a Protestant, married my grandmother, a Catholic. Oops! What do you think this looks like to the rest of us when you round up tens of thousands of Catholics and ship them like cargo to places where many may soon freeze to death? Like I said, we get it. (It’s just too bad that both of you as Catholics don’t even know your own history. That your race hatred is the same as your self-hatred as Catholics is disheartening and revelatory.)
I guess this is the unintended gift you’ve given the country, by showing your true contemptible and cruel selves to a couple hundred million voters just weeks before a historic election. You do know, don’t you, that the majority of Americans, though often slow on the uptake and occasionally easily misled, are, at their core, good souls, people with a conscience, people who hate to see others mistreated, harmed or not being given a fair shot at the “American Dream” like everyone here deserves to have. And that they are watching your disgraceful actions and your promise of more of this if more Republicans are elected in November. Thank you for squarely putting the Republican label on this treachery. For the life of me, I’ll never be able to explain why you would purposely lose an election and bury your beloved Party. Oh sure, you’ll still have 65 million Americans who will get all hot and excited watching you kick the “colored” onto a curb a thousand miles away. But, thanks to your piss-poor schools, you still can’t do the math — so let me help you. There are nearly 100 million of us, about 65 million of you, and of the other 90 million who don’t vote, the majority lean toward us. That means we hugely outnumber you, which means you will never catch up. And as soon as we stop your gerrymandering and election suppression, you will be done. Over. Out. (But please note, as this is a love letter to you: As soon as we dethrone your ass, we will see to it that your children have the best schools and the women in your states will be treated like 1st class citizens who hold true power, especially economic power. You will lose elections, but the lives of your people will get much better.)
One final thing I want to share with you, just in case you’re feeling any shame or regrets for putting thousands of Brown human beings on a bus to oblivion. Every day now as these abused and hungry souls have arrived here in our tree-hugging, gay-loving Blue states over these past weeks, hundreds of us have shown up to welcome them, to roll out our version of the red carpet with meals and a place to stay, warm clothes, a loving hand and a kind smile.
We are finding homes for them. There are so many job openings here they will all soon have work if they want it and money in their pockets. New York City has already enrolled thousands of their children in one of the finest public school systems in the country. There’s an army of translators to help them communicate (because up here in WokeVille, lots of non-Spanish speaking people learn to speak… wait for it…. Spanish!). And on any given day, as soon as the city learns of a new arrival of a Texas bus dumping humans on a street corner (or in the driveway of our Black Vice-President’s home in DC), a team of health professionals are dispatched to go greet them and help them with any and all health issues they may have. It’s a beautiful thing to see. Literally, an unknown street corner in Hell’s Kitchen immediately looks like it’s been transformed into a Canadian free health clinic. That’s how we roll up here in our Sanctuary Cities — providing sanctuary from you. You see, many of us have read the Bible you claim to have read. Most of us don’t go to church, but we’re pretty sure we’re doing What Jesus Would Do. You like to ask that question a lot. Too bad you never answer it. So we will — and do — answer it for you (even though many/most of us don’t even “believe” in him). Weird, isn’t it?
Thank you for our wonderful new neighbors! You don’t have to kidnap or trick them into getting on your cattle cars. Just show them how we treat people up here. Trust me, it’s far from perfect. So many problems here to solve. But we will love all whom you send here. Because I’m convinced that by saving them from having to live in a state that forces their young to believe the Earth was formed in 7 days, one of these new youngsters may grow up here to find the cure for cancer, invent a better, cleaner way to live, create a new genre of exciting music, or be the one who leads us away from war and greed, writes a poem we all want to recite, bakes a better strawberry pie or, perhaps, encourages us to forgive you, Governors Abbot and Desantis, for how you treated them, and to welcome you back someday to the Thanksgiving table.
And maybe some of us can convince, if not the two of you, then a few of your lost followers to come back to sanity and join us in helping to create the better America we’ve never really had.
* Source: U.S. Census Bureau 2021
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