Canada’s Fourth of July

Yesterday, July 1, was Canada’s 4th of July. Yes, we Americans explain things through our lens, the only lens that matters, we rule the world, we’re #1, so yes, we call it your 4th of July. You Canadians call it “Canada Day”.  Whatever. It’s the day you celebrate YOUR independence from the British. But you didn’t do it our way — violent Revolution! — you had to do it your way, no killing, no death, no tossing and wasting good tea. You simply waited them out until they were sick of the cold and they just left. 80 years after our revolution. 

But when our Continental Congress in 1777 wrote the precursor to our Constitution — “The Articles of Confederation“ — they didn’t want to leave you, Canada, out of the new country! So they included a clause that said Canada could leave the Brits behind whenever they wanted and automatically become the 14th State of the United States of America. Thank you very much. You’re welcome! 

Here it is, Article XI, as written by our Founding Fathers:

ARTICLE XI. Canada acceding to this confederation, and joining in the measures of the United States, shall be admitted into, and entitled to all the advantages of this union. But no other colony shall be admitted into the same, unless such admission be agreed to by nine states.

Canada chose not to accept our generous offer. 

I wonder if maybe now they’d like to reconsider? How many Canadians yesterday on Canada Day spent time at their BBQs wishing they could strip their female citizens of their reproductive rights! And strip their environmental ministry of its authority to stop carbon polluters! 

Oh Canada, how on May 14th of this year you must have looked longingly across the Niagara River at Buffalo while Black people were slaughtered by one of our thousands of white supremacists with legally-purchased guns! You know your Stanley Cup now sits just miles from Columbine High School! 

How weak you must feel having to depend on your government which pays for every single one of your doctor and hospital bills — and you, never having to suffer the pain of bankruptcy due to medical bills, because you refuse to play by the rules of the free market system which decrees there can be no health care without a profit motive! Without the shareholders getting rich through the widespread denial of medical care! All this freeloading — no wonder you’re soft! We’ll never forget that you wouldn’t join us in invading Iraq! 

How can you live like this?! Pre-voter registering every one of your citizens on the day of their birth so that they get their voter card 18 years later to the very day?! How the hell can you suppress the vote that way! Why do you resent the way Democracy works! 

And now your prime minister tells every American woman that if they are unable to get an abortion in the U.S. they are welcome to come to Canada and get one! At least 20% of America considers this an act of war!  

To our Canadian neighbors — I’m sure most Americans would still love to have you as part of our Great nation. As we get ready to honor our 4th of July, what a neat celebration it would be to have you with us! We’ll teach you how to shoot, how to gerrymander, and we can help you clean up your constitution (Section 28 of the current Canadian Constitution’s Charter of Rights and Freedoms: "Notwithstanding anything in this Charter, the rights and freedoms referred to in it are guaranteed equally to male and female persons.")

Think about it!

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