Dear Donald — A Dear John Letter to Donald John Trump from Michael Moore
Dear Donald,
How are you? Are you doing okay? You don’t seem to be doing okay. I’m worried about you. The other day you pretended to perform oral sex on a microphone. The week before that, you were talking about Arnold Palmer’s penis. Then the rest of the time, you’re just standing around swaying to Ave Maria, a sacred hymn that God so-structured so that should anyone attempt to dance to it, they would find themselves in the ninth circle of hell. Everyone is making fun of you, Donald. Everyone. But not me. I just think it’s sad.
It seems like you are getting ready to try to steal another election, Donald. That’s sad, too. You know that, right? It’s pathetic. It makes you look pathetic. Are you pathetic, Donald?
Are you that BIG A LOSER? Are you the biggest loser, Donald? I talked to all the historians at the Wharton School and at MIT and they’ve never seen anything like it. No one has ever tried to steal three elections in a row. At least George W. Bush was able to actually win one.
Donald, are you a bigger loser than George W. Bush?
You lost your first election by three million votes. Americans don’t like you, Donald.
Then you lost your second election by 10 million votes. You always say you got more votes than any sitting president ever, and yet… you still lost by 10 million votes. That’s how much people don’t like you.
Donald, you can do math can’t you? In 2020, seven million people liked Joe Biden more than you! Another 3 million, given the choice between Biden and You, chose ANYONE ELSE. That’s 84 million Americans, Donald, who voted against you. 84 Million! No sitting President has ever had that many people vote against him, Donald. No one.
Just you.
Let me put it another way for you, Don. In 2016, there were 65 million people who voted against you. Four years later, it was 84 million people! That’s 19 million more people the second time! They weren’t illegal, Donald. They weren’t “made up” votes. It wasn’t “voter fraud.” It was non-voters! They saw what you did for 4 years in the White House and they said to themselves, “Fuck this guy!” And they stopped being non-voters. And they voted AGAINST you. That’s what happened.
And now you’ve spent the past four years complaining about how the media doesn’t like you, how the “elite” don’t like you, how the Gays and the Lesbians and the Blacks and Latinos and the Women and the Muslims and the Immigrant Families and Taylor Swift and All Her Swifties and the Kids on College Campuses and all the Autoworkers and all the Union Members and the Teachers and the College Educated White Guys and Eminem and Beyonce and Julia Roberts and Lebron James and Jon Bon Jovi and Stevie Nicks and Neil Young and, Jesus Christ Donald, you even say that all the Military Generals don’t like you and all your former Chiefs of Staff don’t like you and all your former Secretaries of Defense don’t like you and your Secretaries of State and your Secretaries of the Deep State and all the people in the Deep State (which is, like, a lot of people, dude!) and how even a war criminal like Dick Cheney (who was already included in the previous group) doesn’t like you and how none of them like you and neither does your Vice President who you tried to have killed.
Donald, lay off the amphetamines for a minute. Or do another bump. Whatever you need to do to think straight for just 45 seconds. And then read that paragraph again, my man. Because if you are right and all those people DON’T LIKE YOU, then how exactly are you going to win this election? Or any election? Maybe this is why you, so far, have never won an election.
And now you’re gonna whine and complain all over again? Throw another fit, pound your baby hands against the baby gates they set up at your Mar-a-Lago (“from the Lake to the Sea”) Florida compound to keep you from falling down the stairs in the middle of the night when you go looking for the phone they don’t let you hold onto so you can’t tweet some more bullshit at 4am? You’re going to threaten to overthrow the government again? You and what army, Donald? Your militia of cranked-out weirdos who aren’t even sure gravity is real, but who are convinced that Sandy Hook was a fake, Covid was a fake, Women Being Equal Citizens is a fake, everyone who ever died was a fake, the Holocaust was a fake, and that the only thing that’s real is the “realDonaldTrump”? Gimme a break, man. Get a hold of yourself, dude. You’ve surrounded yourself with morons and “Yes-Men” who call everyone else “Snowflakes” despite the fact that each and every one of them is deathly afraid of fucking rainbows.
Biggest threat to America? Rainbows and childless cat ladies and people who dress up in furry outfits and God-fearing families moving through a desert at night in search of a promised land or an empty manger.
Donald - that’s who you and your friends are afraid of? Seriously? A furry? A rainbow? 169,000,000 women who deserve the right to control their own bodies? Jim Acosta? That’s your enemy?
That’s who you think is stealing this election?
So you’ve got your army of dimwit lawyers fanned out across these United States – or “this American carnage” as you were so beautifully told to say – and they’ve spent the last four years cooking up some dipshit plan with convicted criminals Steve Bannon and Roger Stone, and the brains of your operation, Cleta Mitchell and Corey Lewandowski and Laura Loomer and Chris LaCivita and Sidney Powell and Rudy Giuliani (seriously Donald, these are your brains? This is how smart you are? That’s the best you could do? Do you not see how sad this is?) to purge legitimate voters from the voting rolls in Georgia and Pennsylvania and Arizona and Virginia and anywhere where you have an election board full of “commissioners” who see a rainbow in the sky and fire a shotgun at it.
And your end goal is even dumber, even more pathetic. Donald, I’m pleading with you. Not for the sake of America or even for the sake of your own self interest. But for our children. For your grandchildren. You look like a buffoon. I say this with love. I know our personal relationship has had its ups and downs. When we were on Roseanne’s talk show in the late 90s, you told me how much you enjoyed Roger & Me. And then you asked me not to make a movie about you. Twenty years later, when I did make a movie, in part, about you, you called me “Sloppy Mike” and claimed my sold-out Broadway show was “a total bomb.”
I’m sorry if I hurt your feelings. But I’m just telling you the truth. Sometimes the truth hurts, Donald.
When you lose this election, and you will, don’t “declare victory” before the polls close. Don’t claim you’ve "won" when only 23% of the vote has been counted. Don’t lie to the American people again, Donald.
And don’t lie to yourself again.
I’m sorry it’s come to this. I’m sorry this is what you’ve become (or who you’ve always been). You’ve probably heard the saying, “You Can’t Win ‘Em All.”
Well, Donald, after three broken marriages, countless affairs, at least two dozen accusations of sexual “misconduct,” six bankruptcies, 91 criminal indictments, 34 guilty verdicts (so far), untold civil decisions against you and hush money payouts, and soon to be THREE failed attempts to win America’s vote for President… maybe the saying for you to remember is this:
You Can’t Win Any of ‘Em.
It’s been nice knowing you. And now, you can leave.
I’m showing you the door, Donald. I don’t know if you can figure out how to open it, but I promise you: There are tens upon tens upon tens of millions of us who will open it for you.
Goodbye, Donald. Goodbye.
Most sincerely,
Michael Moore, on behalf of the vast, vast, vast majority of the American People.
P.S. — Donald, I think you’re going to have some time on your hands in the next couple days. Or maybe while you’re watching this tsunami of votes coming in against you. Turn off the news, Don. Microwave a bag of popcorn, and watch my film FAHRENHEIT 11/9 right now on YouTube for FREE. Over 400,000 people have watched it since I posted it on Friday. And it won’t cost you a dime, Donald. Which is good, because I think your lawyers’ fees are due. You’re not the star, more like a supporting actor in your own life, but I think you’ll really like it, because you’ll get to see pictures of yourself.
Photo by: Chip Somodevilla/Getty Images
** In order to have a troll-free, hate-free comments section — and because if there’s one thing I know about my crazy haters, they would rather spend an eternity in hell with Marjorie Taylor Greene than send me $5 if forced to become a paid subscriber — my Comments section here on my Substack is limited to paid subscribers. But, not to worry — anyone can send me their comments, opinions and thoughts by writing to me at mike@michaelmoore.com. I read every one of them, though obviously I can’t respond to all. The solution here is not optimal but it has worked and my Comments section has become a great meeting place for people wanting to discuss the ideas and issues I raise here. There is debate and disagreement, but it is refreshing to have it done with respect and civility, unfettered by the stench of bigotry and Q-anon insanity.
Jesus Christ Michael you are a beautiful man. I wish I had written this. You said everything I've ever thought about that pumpkin spiced pancake madeup shit for brains. Gawd love ya!
Dear Donald - please go fuck yourself. I am sick of hearing your name and listening to your bullshit you fucking fat loser. You have taken up way too much space and spread your shit far too wide. Good riddance you fuck. God Bless Kamala.