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Life Reflections of a Gold Star Mom on Mother's Day 2006

By Nadia McCaffrey / Mother of Army Sgt. Patrick R. McCaffrey, Sr., killed June 22nd, 2004 in Balad, Iraq

Did I actually give birth 36 years ago?

My mind is wandering over sixty one years of my life. What does "Mother's Day” signify anymore? I am trying desperately to rescue the vague meaning left in two words. Or is it that the meaning is so strongly anchored within me, that I am not sure how to deal with the disappearance of the dearest person in my life? I better get used to not getting a sweet card and flower, and phone calls ever again saying "Happy Mother’s Day" and "MOM, I love you, your son, Patrick." For so many years I took all messages of love for granted. What a fool I was! Why do I wish today that I had kept and saved it all?

I never doubted that Patrick was my guardian and would watch over me until I died, as I watched over him while he was a baby, a child. What am I supposed to do next without him, without his wisdom, his compassion without his love, without his gentle strength, without his voice saying "I love you Mom you have always been here for me as I will be there for you..."

Patrick’s birthday is almost here: May 26. For the past two years, I have been hiding to myself the fact that Patrick was NEVER coming home. I did not say that I had accepted it, nor realized it. Patrick would have been 36 years old this year. I fully realize that this huge pain will never go anywhere, or fade away in the background of my consciousness. No, this pain will be with me until my last day on earth. Perhaps I will learn how to function with it, or perhaps not. What I am experiencing right now is uncertainty.

For the first time in three years, or the beginning of the war, and since Patrick’s murder in Iraq, I have doubts. My faith, up until a month ago, was so strong and powerful, that I believed that anything could be accomplished or changed. I thought that by now, the American people would have awakened and stopped the corruption, the lies, the betrayal, the destruction and the killing of our country and its citizens, but I was wrong. How long is it going to take?

Speaking across country non-stop for two years, I know that I have touched many people’s souls; many people have changed their life because of Patrick’s death. Patrick left on my shoulders, the burden to be part of the actions that will stop the war. He was very disillusioned with the whole picture. He felt betrayed as a Patriot. Patrick was not a fool, he knew the truth. However, he followed his heart after the blast of September 11th and enlisted, joining the National Guard (not the International Guard!). He wanted to help out his country and its people, and he wanted to serve within the country, not overseas, illegally invading a country that had nothing to do with 9/11.

How much more time is it going to take to glance at a peaceful world? I fear for my grand children’s future. Still, after these blue notes I shall pursue my Journey to Peace with compassion, unconditional love, tolerance, caring for each other and this is the road that I have chosen. I do the best that I can to fulfill every day and keep on my faith.

Nadia McCaffrey
Gold Star Mother