Here Comes Trouble: Stories from My Life

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Mike's Letter

November 8th, 2000 12:00 AM

Just In: Bush or Gore May Win!

Dear friends,

It's a cliffhanger!

From my vantage point -- and, hey, whadda I know? -- I'm gonna go out on a limb and predict that....


And when they do, just as soon as those votes in Florida are recounted and/or challenged -- and no matter which way the vote goes -- here is the country we are going to get with Bush-or-Gore (based on their own campaign platforms and statements in which they agreed with each other):

** Bush-or-Gore will spend billions of dollars more on the Pentagon -- and God knows, we need more missiles to defend ourselves from ... well, from ... you know ... all those enemies!

** Bush-or-Gore will continue the death penalty with enthusiasm! Revenge works!

** Bush-or-Gore will oppose UNIVERSAL health coverage! Get sick? Get f-----!

** Bush-or-Gore will vigorously support NAFTA and WTO and the removal of even MORE jobs to third world countries! Cheaper shoes!

** Bush-or-Gore will continue the embargo against that scary, scary country -- Cuba!

** Bush-or-Gore will continue bombing Iraq and keep up the embargo of food and medicine that costs 5,000 infants and children their lives every month! Yea! Less Iraqis!

** Bush-or-Gore have promised to expand the War on Drugs that locks up another million of our citizens who need help with their addictions! And we'll get the added bonus of our next military incursion ... in sunny South America!

** Bush-or-Gore are going to raise the minimum wage by a whopping 50 cents an hour next year! More Hamburger Helper!

** Bush-or-Gore have said it must remain illegal for gays and lesbians to enter into civil unions with each other (eeeeuuww! yuck!).

** Bush-or-Gore will give us a presidency and a White House that has been bought with $540 million of "contributions" from the wealthiest 10%. The rich will have their issues attended to with diligence.? The rest of us? We need to get in that 10% Club!

No wonder this vote is sooooo close. Two guys who promise the same thing find out that they get the same vote! This system is genius!

In the interests of full disclosure, please note that Gore (who voted to put anti-abortion zealot Scalia on the Supreme Court) has said he believes in a woman's right to choose. So that would be "different." And if he follows through, that would be important.

And, if Bush is the President ... well, uh, look at the bright side: All Americans will share a common bond. Everyone will be able to say, "I'M smarter than the President of the United States!" Not bad, eh?

So, cheer up! No matter which way it goes, somebody is going to be president.


Michael Moore

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