Joan Wile is the Founder of Grandmothers Against the War and the author of "Grandmothers Against the War: Getting Off Our Fannies and Standing Up for Peace" (Citadel Press)
SCENE: Hotel bedroom, on the campaign trail. MITT and his wife, ANNE, are talking.
MITT: How in hell am I going to stop this infernal yapping about our dog riding on top of the car?
ANNE: Mitt, you mustn't swear -- you know the Church forbids it.
MITT: What the hell do I care? They're nothing but a pain in my butt -- lots of people don't want a Mormon in the White House. I wish I could dump the Church -- but then people'd start screaming "Flip Flop." Worse than that, the Tea Party would denounce me for turning against my faith. Jesus, you just can't win with those crazies.
ANNE: Well, still you've got to do something to squelch this dog thing.
MITT: Goddamnit, I would have been able to talk my way out of it like I do everything else if he hadn't shit all over the car.
ANNE: Your language!
MITT: Screw it, I need to fully express myself. If King George VI could curse, so can I.
ANNE: But that was only a movie, The King's Speech.
MITT: So what? Americans don't care anything about history. They take movies as gospel truth. I've got bigger problems. That frigging book that's come out -- "The Real Romney." There's stuff in there that makes me look really bad....like when I forbade that woman to have an abortion even though she had a life-threatening blood clot in her pelvis.
ANNE: Well, of course you were right. The Church insists that from the moment of conception it's a human being and its rights must come first even if the mother might die.
MITT: Naturally, Anne. But, you've got to be quiet about that time you sneaked off to do you know what.
ANNE: That was different.
MITT: Oh, yeah?
ANNE: Well, sure. It was before we were married, and we would have been excommunicated. I HAD to!
MITT: Shhhhh! Let's not go there.
There's really bad stuff in the book, too, about all the deals I pulled when I was head of Bain Capital. And, would you believe -- Newt is bashing me for the way I did business -- Newt, of all people.
ANNE: I bet it's that trashy wife of his -- they say she leads him around by her nose.
MITT: Thank Heaven you're a proper submissive wife who lives to serve me.
ANNE: Well, now that you mention it, sometimes I get sick of playing the dutiful little wife. Times have changed. Women have opinions, husbands help with the chores, this is 2012.
MITT: No, Anne, don' t dare to think like that. You have to be subservient....the Mormons demand it, and it's part of my image -- the perfect old-fashioned family.
ANNE: Perfect, my ass! Half our sons smoke pot, another's a drunk, and then there's the gay one. How long can we keep these things under wraps?
MITT: We HAVE to, for God's sake! I've already bragged about helping gays get equal rights, then switched to saying I'll kill the same-sex marriage act. I can't flip again on this thing -- it'll finish me with the Party. They already think I'm a hypocrite.
No, my biggest problem right now is to try and convince people that I created jobs when I headed Bain. That's a real hard one, because actually I got rid of far more people than I employed.
ANNE: Can't you fudge the numbers a little?
MITT: Nah, it's all on the record. And they've got interviews in TV ads with people who I fired and lost their pensions and stuff. They say I have no heart, no empathy with real people and their real problems.
ANNE: Well, you just go out there and tell them how worried you were once when you thought you might not get a promotion. That'll show them you relate to the people's concerns.
MITT: Well, I did that and they mocked me when I said I once worried about getting a pink slip. I don't understand why they don't understand that I understand.
ANNE: Try harder, dear. Tell them how much you care.
MITT: I DID, and everybody jumped all over me when I said I didn't care about the poor, only about the middle class.
ANNE: You've got to be careful not to let them know things like that. SOME people care about the poor.
MITT: Well, why should they? The poor don't vote, for God's sake.
About the dog thing, I'll tell them how much our dog enjoyed riding on top of the car for those12 hours. That ought to stop the talk.
ANNE: Oh, dear, I'm not so sure. I've seen pictures of T shirts with the words "Crate Gate" on them.
MITT: Oh, crap, I'll have to start lying then and saying that Obama's dog, Bo, pisses all over the Oval Office, and that Obama keeps him locked up all night in the Situation Room. That should take care of it.
ANNE: But that's an outright lie!
MITT: So what? Nobody cares any more about the truth. And the media hardly ever calls me up on my lies. Yeah, I'll go ahead and trash Obama for the way he treats Bo. That'll level the playing field.
ANNE: Don't you think people also want to know your position on issues?
MITT: Don't be naive, Anne. I don't have any positions about issues and I don't have to. Voters don't give a crap about them -- they just want scandal and attacks!
ANNE: Well, all right, dear. I suppose you're right.
MITT: Yes, I'm right. I'm right. I'm far right. I'm far, far right. Ignore the health care in Massachusetts. I'm really right, far right, far, far right. (starts to babble)
November 9th, 2013
Click here for this week's full schedule for the State Theatre and Bijou by the Bay in Traverse City, Michigan. The day has arrived. For ...
September 10th, 2013
[View the story "John Kerry's Accidental Diplomacy" on Storify]
July 30th, 2013
Today Bradley Manning was convicted on 20 of 22 counts, including violating the Espionage Act, releasing classified information and disobeying orders. That's the bad news. ...
June 5th, 2013
This past week, the Motion Picture Association of America (MPAA), the main federation of Hollywood's six major studios, posted on their web site a list of what they believe ...
March 23rd, 2013
This evening is going be a big moment in turning our country around on the issue of gun violence. That's why I desperately want you ...
March 21st, 2013
I am hosting a nationwide series of house parties this Saturday night where tens of thousands of people will gather together in living rooms to ...
March 15th, 2013
The response to my Newtown letter this week has been overwhelming. It is so very clear to everyone that the majority of Americans have had ...
September 11th, 2010
OpenMike 9/11/10 Michael Moore's daily blog I am opposed to the building of the "mosque" two blocks from Ground Zero. I want it built on ...
December 14th, 2010
Yesterday, in the Westminster Magistrates Court in London, the lawyers for WikiLeaks co-founder Julian Assange presented to the judge a document from me stating that ...
May 12th, 2011
"The Nazis killed tens of MILLIONS. They got a trial. Why? Because we're not like them. We're Americans. We roll different." – Michael Moore in ...
November 22nd, 2011
This past weekend I participated in a four-hour meeting of Occupy Wall Street activists whose job it is to come up with the vision and ...
September 22nd, 2011
I encourage everyone I know to never travel to Georgia, never buy anything made in Georgia, to never do business in Georgia. I will ask ...
December 16th, 2010
Dear Swedish Government: Hi there -- or as you all say, Hallå! You know, all of us here in the U.S. love your country. Your ...
November 2nd, 2010
This letter contains (almost) no criticisms of how the Democrats have brought this day of reckoning upon themselves. That -- and where to go from ...