Michael Moore is an Academy-Award winning filmmaker and best-selling author
Today's OpenMike blog
Although I am not Jewish, I do hate to be left out of any cool bitchin' holy day, especially since this year's falls on one of the worst days in memory for lamest college football matches on TV.
So with nothing better to do -- and remembering how cool it was to have my First Confession in 2nd grade (you all know what sinners little 8 year olds can be!) -- I've made up a list of my sins from the past year and sent them off to my Jewish friends in the hopes they can slide them into the box or the ram's horn or whatever they do when they go to temple today.
From what I understand, they also have to recite their sins publicly (a much better way of doing it instead of kneeling in a 2ft x 3ft confessional booth and hoping the priest can't see who you are through the screen).
So here are my sins from 2010 (or 5770 depending on who's counting) for which I now atone to G-d and ask for mercy (and I also ask, "G-d, what's your problem with vowels?"):
1. I told someone I liked jazz, but I don't.
2. I steal Splenda packages from diners.
3. I watch HGTV.
4. I'm hoarding incandescent light bulbs because I know they soon will stop making them and I detest reading by fluorescent light.
5. I have reacted poorly, at times, to anything painted in earth tones.
6. I publicly profess a love for Steve Jobs while secretly knowing he is the Devil.
7. One night I was driving by a closed Burger King and I saw it was on fire and I didn't call 9-1-1.
8. I went to the ER with a bad stomach flu but, knowing that I'd have to wait there 5 hours because my condition wasn't "life threatening," I told them I had "chest pains" -- and they rushed me right in.
9. I gave my cousin a stationary bike for his birthday and let him think it was brand new when in fact I was giving him my old used one -- thus taking advantage of the fact that he still has one cataract surgery left.
10. I led people at an art house to believe I was showing them an actual print of "Key Largo" when in fact it was being projected from a DVD.
11. I used G-d's name in vain when I woke up this morning and discovered the sun had already been up three hours ahead of me and no one said anything.
12. I am a man who wears a ballcap daily and yet has hair.
13. I was accosted by a woman on a plane who asked me to autograph, 'Life among the Lutherans' by Garrison Keillor because she thought I was him. So I inscribed the book, "With love, Garrison Keillor" because I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't him.
14. I decided I didn't want the box of Raisin Bran I had put in my shopping cart, so I nonchalantly placed it on the Jiffy brownie mix shelf on the way to the check-out line.
15. I ran into Newt Gingrich and his wife and was nice to them.
There's more, G-d, but if you can forgive me for these (and allow your team, Notre Dame, to lose to Michigan State tonight), then I promise to do better in the coming year.
Your humble split-hoofed servant,
March 23rd, 2013
This evening is going be a big moment in turning our country around on the issue of gun violence. That's why I desperately want you ...
March 21st, 2013
I am hosting a nationwide series of house parties this Saturday night where tens of thousands of people will gather together in living rooms to ...
March 15th, 2013
The response to my Newtown letter this week has been overwhelming. It is so very clear to everyone that the majority of Americans have had ...
March 13th, 2013
The year was 1955. Emmett Till was a young African American boy from Chicago visiting relatives in Mississippi. One day Emmett was seen "flirting" with ...
February 26th, 2013
Thanks to everyone for bearing with me as I spend so much time on what happened to Emad Burnat. It's important to me because he's ...
February 26th, 2013
On Tuesday, February 19th, Emad Burnat, the Palestianian co-director of the Oscar-nominated documentary '5 Broken Cameras,' was detained with his wife and son at Los ...
February 20th, 2013
Last night was the Motion Picture Academy-sponsored dinner in Beverly Hills honoring the directors and producers of this year's five nominated films for Best Documentary. ...
September 11th, 2010
OpenMike 9/11/10 Michael Moore's daily blog I am opposed to the building of the "mosque" two blocks from Ground Zero. I want it built on ...
December 14th, 2010
Yesterday, in the Westminster Magistrates Court in London, the lawyers for WikiLeaks co-founder Julian Assange presented to the judge a document from me stating that ...
May 12th, 2011
"The Nazis killed tens of MILLIONS. They got a trial. Why? Because we're not like them. We're Americans. We roll different." – Michael Moore in ...
November 22nd, 2011
This past weekend I participated in a four-hour meeting of Occupy Wall Street activists whose job it is to come up with the vision and ...
September 22nd, 2011
I encourage everyone I know to never travel to Georgia, never buy anything made in Georgia, to never do business in Georgia. I will ask ...
December 16th, 2010
Dear Swedish Government: Hi there -- or as you all say, Hallå! You know, all of us here in the U.S. love your country. Your ...
November 2nd, 2010
This letter contains (almost) no criticisms of how the Democrats have brought this day of reckoning upon themselves. That -- and where to go from ...