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Michael Moore

Michael Moore is an Academy-Award winning filmmaker and best-selling author

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September 18th, 2010 5:14 PM

By Michael Moore

Today's OpenMike blog

Although I am not Jewish, I do hate to be left out of any cool bitchin' holy day, especially since this year's falls on one of the worst days in memory for lamest college football matches on TV.

So with nothing better to do -- and remembering how cool it was to have my First Confession in 2nd grade (you all know what sinners little 8 year olds can be!) -- I've made up a list of my sins from the past year and sent them off to my Jewish friends in the hopes they can slide them into the box or the ram's horn or whatever they do when they go to temple today.

From what I understand, they also have to recite their sins publicly (a much better way of doing it instead of kneeling in a 2ft x 3ft confessional booth and hoping the priest can't see who you are through the screen).

So here are my sins from 2010 (or 5770 depending on who's counting) for which I now atone to G-d and ask for mercy (and I also ask, "G-d, what's your problem with vowels?"):

1. I told someone I liked jazz, but I don't.

2. I steal Splenda packages from diners.

3. I watch HGTV.

4. I'm hoarding incandescent light bulbs because I know they soon will stop making them and I detest reading by fluorescent light.

5. I have reacted poorly, at times, to anything painted in earth tones.

6. I publicly profess a love for Steve Jobs while secretly knowing he is the Devil.

7. One night I was driving by a closed Burger King and I saw it was on fire and I didn't call 9-1-1.

8. I went to the ER with a bad stomach flu but, knowing that I'd have to wait there 5 hours because my condition wasn't "life threatening," I told them I had "chest pains" -- and they rushed me right in.

9. I gave my cousin a stationary bike for his birthday and let him think it was brand new when in fact I was giving him my old used one -- thus taking advantage of the fact that he still has one cataract surgery left.

10. I led people at an art house to believe I was showing them an actual print of "Key Largo" when in fact it was being projected from a DVD.

11. I used G-d's name in vain when I woke up this morning and discovered the sun had already been up three hours ahead of me and no one said anything.

12. I am a man who wears a ballcap daily and yet has hair.

13. I was accosted by a woman on a plane who asked me to autograph, 'Life among the Lutherans' by Garrison Keillor because she thought I was him. So I inscribed the book, "With love, Garrison Keillor" because I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't him.

14. I decided I didn't want the box of Raisin Bran I had put in my shopping cart, so I nonchalantly placed it on the Jiffy brownie mix shelf on the way to the check-out line.

15. I ran into Newt Gingrich and his wife and was nice to them.

There's more, G-d, but if you can forgive me for these (and allow your team, Notre Dame, to lose to Michigan State tonight), then I promise to do better in the coming year.

Your humble split-hoofed servant,
MM