Iran’s Phantom Menace

Mike & Friends Blog

Ray McGovern

Retired CIA analyst and Co-Founder, Veteran Intelligence Professionals for Sanity

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April 16th, 2012 9:30 PM

Last Thursday, I took part in a panel discussion on “Targeting Iran: Sanctions and War” at California State University, Fresno. The panel discussion took place against the backdrop of all-too-familiar warnings to Iran that it has one “last chance” to stop doing what the CIA and pretty much all serious intelligence agencies say it is not doing — namely, working on a nuclear weapon.

That’s right; one “last chance” to stop doing what it is NOT doing. This unconscionably surreal — and transparently provocative — demand threatened to cast an unrelenting pall over the event, so I made a lame attempt to inject some light humor in order to head off confusion and despair.

Since the West’s rhetoric about Iran virtually cries out for parody — not to mention correction — I decided to begin my short presentation with an adaptation of “It Ain’t Necessarily So” from Porgy and Bess.

First, I needed to expose non-Gershwin fans to the song’s tune and cadence, so I began with one of the original verses and asked the audience to sing along. (You may wish to do likewise):

Oh Jonah he lived in de whale,

Oh Jonah he lived in de whale.

Fo’ he made his home in

Dat fish’s abdomen,

Oh Jonah he lived in de whale.

Well, it ain’t necessarily so;

Well, it ain’t necessarily so.

Fo’ he made his home in

Dat fish’s abdomen,

But that ain’t necessarily so.

After that warm-up came the unveiling of three Iran-related verses composed earlier that day during the long drive from the Bay area to Fresno. (Please do sing along):

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad

To claim he is mad is the fad.

He said he would zap

Israel right off the map;

Mahmoud is a cad of a lad.

Well, it ain’t necessarily so;

Well, it ain’t necessarily so.

He said he would zap

Israel right off the map;

But that ain’t necessarily so.

Israelis they sound the alarm,

The Persians are building the bomb.

But they ain’t the kooks

That do lust after nukes,

So sit back, and try to be calm.

Well, it ain’t necessarily so;

Well, it ain’t necessarily so.

Persians ain’t the kooks

That do lust after nukes.

No, that ain’t necessarily so.

Now Obama he tries to seem tough;

He huff and he puff; he don’t bluff,

In hopes Netanyahu

Will stop and shout Yahoo!

And turn all his threats into fluff.

Well, it ain’t necessarily so;

Well, it ain’t necessarily so.

In hopes Netanyahu

Will stop and shout Yahoo!

That ain’t in the cards, Barry O.

Readers are invited to submit additional verses using the abundant supply of rhetoric eminently susceptible of parody (and/or of straight-out, factual contradiction).

And by all means keep smiling, at least for the time being; it looks as if Israel and its neocon cheerleaders in the United States are likely to put off the next war of aggression, at least until after the next round of negotiations between the West and Iran scheduled for May 23 in Baghdad. Who knows? Sanity may yet prevail.