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Michael Moore

Michael Moore is an Academy-Award winning filmmaker and best-selling author

September 28th, 2010 12:37 PM

A Fine Whine

Today's OpenMike blog

BIDEN: (sniffling) What's the matter with our base? Why don't liberals like us any more!

OBAMA: They like us still... but they're mean to us!

BIDEN: And we're the opposite of mean! Like, we're so nice to the Republicans -- we don't even make them have to do a real filibuster and look all stupid trying to stop bills that do good things for kids and old people!

OBAMA: Bipartisanship, Joe, that was our plan.

BIDEN: And even when not one single Republican would join with us, we still watered down every single one of our bills so they wouldn't be upset with us!

OBAMA: We hate people being mad at us!

BIDEN: The Republicans didn't want a health care bill, so we made sure most of it wouldn’t go into effect until 2014!

OBAMA: I thought our liberal base was all about peace, love and understanding! So I held out the olive branch to Republicans when they were mad because I was going to spend stimulus money on creating jobs. So we made sure we created as few jobs as possible! We're nice to the other side!

BIDEN: Sooooo nice that we've created American jobs -- in Afghanistan!

OBAMA: I've tripled the number of troops in Afghanistan!

BIDEN: You've expanded the war in ways George Bush couldn't!

OBAMA: AND -- who can name a president that's ever been able to start a new war without losing a single American life!

BIDEN: Yeah! How come liberals don’t like our drone war? The left says they don't like war, so we use drones to bomb and fire missiles into Pakistan every week -- and not a single American soldier dies! The base should love that!

OBAMA: That's right! We just push a button in Nevada and kill dozens of people...

BIDEN: ...And still have time to take the wife and kids to Applebees! So quit your whining, Dems!

OBAMA: Here's another thing: The base complained that the Republicans were locking up millions of our citizens in our prisons. So we come in and decide not to arrest anyone on Wall Street -- and suddenly liberals are all "tough on crime!"

BIDEN: Exactly! We can't blame individual Wall Street criminals. It's society's fault, man! (BIDEN gives an awkward black power salute.)

OBAMA: The same thing goes for the way we didn't prosecute torturers! I thought it was CONSERVATIVES who were all boring and stodgy and about following the "law."

BIDEN: Shouldn't liberals like that we got creative and tore up the rulebook?

OBAMA: It’s so unfair! I don’t like it!

BIDEN: Me neither!

OBAMA: It hurts my feelings!

BIDEN: Mine, too!

OBAMA: Well, we'll show them! Let's let the Bush tax cuts expire!

BIDEN: Yeah, that'll show 'em! (pause) Hey, wait -- doesn't that mean that our middle class base will start paying more taxes?

OBAMA: I don't know! I don't care! I'm sick of not being appreciated. It's bad enough not one Republican will play with me! Now my Dem friends don't even wanna mention my name. And I'm a nice guy!

BIDEN: Yes you are! You're a great guy! It's all those voters who are the meanies! Meanies! Well, they'll get what they deserve in November!

OBAMA: Yeah. Um. Joe... Do you think after we lose in November we'll regret not doing more for the majority who elected us two years ago?

BIDEN: No! We'll just blame the left! "It's not our fault! It's not our fault! It's the whiny left who can never be satisfied!"

OBAMA: But then do you think these whiners might do to us in 2012 what they did in (gulp) 2000?

BIDEN: (silence)

OBAMA: (silence)

BIDEN & OBAMA: Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!

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