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Joe Lapointe

Joe Lapointe has worked as a sports reporter with the New York Times and a segment producer for "Countdown With Keith Olbermann'' on Current TV

March 5th, 2013 11:01 AM

Cynicism and Sarcasm: Rating the Jeb Bush’s New Immigration Plan

Gaw-lee, Sgt. Carter, it seems like everyone’s got their britches twisted over former Florida Governor Jeb Bush and his latest immigration scheme.  Shoot, ol’ Butch is smarter by half that Gee-Dubya and Gee-Dubya got to be President. 

Don’t you reckon Jeb’s gonna do him one better in 2016 by laying out new turf in demagoguery game? Jeb’s new immigration plan is mean, cynical and brilliant, if your politics lean to the Greed, God and Guns crackpots who make up the Republican base and vote in the primaries.

Here’s how it works.  Ol’ Jeb knows Florida and how folks down there feel about people who pick fruit and clean dirty dishes from the dining tables of country clubs.  They cut lawns at mansions, too. We need ‘em, by gum!

We just don’t need ‘em votin’ Democrat is all.  So, here’s what we do.  We create a special class of workers who are foreign citizens but willing to do back-breaking labor for small wages.

We tell them they’re welcome to work, sure, here’s your workin’ papers, Pedro, thankya very much.  But don’t let ‘em vote, see?  Cuz if they vote, they’re gonna vote Democrat.  And that’s bad.  So let ‘em work here where we need ‘em and say “stay away from them votin’ machines.”

Shoot, why not take a play from our Foundin’ Fathers, you know, the guys you hear about on Mark Levin’s radio rants, all about “original intent” and all that?

Let’s count every immigrant worker as 3/5 of a person!  No, no, not so they can vote, heck no.  But so states could count each one as three-fifths of a person for purposes of representation in the U.S. House!

Then we can tell the Democrat Party “Look here, liberals, this is a three-fifths compromise.”  We’re showing them Dems how we’re willing to come to the middle to make a deal.  Heh-heh-heh.

I’d sure love to set a spell and visit with you more but I think that good Mr. Hannity’s about to interview ol’ Jeb on Fox and I gotta turn it on.  Can’t wait for 2016.  Say, who was the governor of Florida when they counted them votes down there in 2000?  (Heh-heh-heh).

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