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Dude, Where's My Country? Homeland Security Approved
Send your receipt to Ashcroft

The USA PATRIOT ACT (for some quick background information on the Patriot Act, click here) gives the police and federal agents the power to go into bookstores and libraries and demand to see the records of customers and patrons in order to find out what subversive people are reading. The stores and libraries are prohibited by law from disclosing the fact that their records have been seized. They are even prohibited from contacting a lawyer for help or advice.

The silver lining in all this is the government's acknowledgement that "subversives" are, in fact, readers. And yes, we're talking about YOU! You wouldn't even be on this website right now if you weren't some sort of closet rabble rouser.

So, why not save the FBI and the Justice Department the bother of going to the bookstore where you bought my book? Why not get on the enemies list right now!? That way some poor agent doesn't have to figure out if you bought my book at a chain store or an independent, or online, or got it for free at a library.

All you have to do is take the receipt from the bookstore of the library (or print out your receipt if you ordered online) and send it to:

Attorney General John Ashcroft
U.S. Department of Justice
950 Pennsylvania Avenue, NW
Washington, DC 20530-0001

Enclose a note telling Mr. Ashcroft that you are doing your patriotic duty and you want to get on his list of suspicious citizens today!

Letters from Soldiers in Iraq
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Spend Mike's Tax Cut
Send your Receipts to Ashcroft!
Read a chapter of Dude, Where's My Country
Draft Oprah!
Notes and Sources
send the Dude Ecard!
Buy The Book

So, you've sent your receipt to Ashcroft showing him that you may need further investigating, but, alas, you want to help the Justice Department out some more? Here's your chance. I've written up a few sample form letters so you can alert federal officials to where, when and how you plan to be violating the Patriot Act in the near future.

Directions: First, print these out, write them down, or simply copy an paste them into an email. Then fill in all the gaps with your own relevant information. And finally, fulfill your patriotic obligation to help the government in these troubled times and send your note to the Justice Department.

Attorney General John Ashcroft
Justice Department
950 Pennsylvania Avenue, NW
Washington, DC 20530-0001
AskDOJ@usdoj.gov

Dear Attorney General Ashcroft:

I will be having a conversation on the phone with my (insert name of relative/co-worker/friend) about (subject) on (date) starting at (insert time) and continuing until, oh, just to be safe, let's say (insert time). My phone number is (insert), and the name of my local service provider is (insert).

We look forward to hearing from you soon.

Warmly,
Your Name Here

Dear Attorney General Ashcroft:

I am thinking about thinking that this detaining people without charging them thing is, oh, what's the word...wrong?

Shall I meet the investigating agents at my local FBI office, or wait at home for them to contact me?

Thanking you in advance for your attention to this matter.

Cordially,
Your Name Here

Dear Attorney General Ashcroft:

I know that you are a singer yourself, and thought you would want to be personally informed that I recently attended a concert given by the Dixie Chicks (see enclosed ticket stub for verification) and neglected to boo them for their unpatriotic activities.

I realize that mere apologies will not suffice and therefore wish to make myself available for appropriate interrogation and punishment. Please advise.

Your fellow music lover and American,
Your Name Here

Dear Attorney General Ashcroft:

Enclosed (or attached to this e-mail) is a photo of me and some friends taken at a rally against the war in Iraq (fill in date/time/location). (I'm the one carrying the sign making fun of President Bush.) We're a little concerned that we have not yet been fingerprinted - what gives?

Maybe you need our current addresses and Social Security numbers? Here they are:

Insert you Social Security Number here

Dear Attorney General Ashcroft:

Thought I'd do my part and let you know that I've switched internet service providers (AOL really sucks) and now I'm with (insert name). My new password is (insert). Some of the websites I've been visiting recently are (insert).

Helpfully yours,
Your Name here

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