RECRUIT THE CHICKENHAWKS

Chickenhawk n. A person enthusiastic about war, provided someone else fights it; particularly when that enthusiasm is undimmed by personal experience with war; most emphatically when that lack of experience came in spite of ample opportunity in that person’s youth.

There isn’t enough irony in the world to explain away the Republican Party’s simultaneous disdain for Bill “Draft Dodger” Clinton and their fawning adoration of George “A.W.O.L” Bush. Nor can it be explained that our current war in Iraq was sold to us by a whole host of men who—for one reason or another—found it in themselves to avoid the various wars of the past half century.

These are our courageous Chickenhawks—guts enough to send the country to war without ever having to set foot in a combat zone themselves. This is bad enough as it is, but is even worse when the war they want people to give their lives for is a fabrication—one fought for fictitious reasons.

As the war in Iraq has dragged on, as American troops have died, as the country has begun to realize the true intentions of the Chickenhawks, only one conclusion can be made:

We’d all be much safer if THEY were actually on the front lines standing behind THEIR words.

To send young Americans into the line of fire our dear Chickenhawks must really, really, really believe in the cause, so it would make sense that they must be raring to parachute into Iraq themselves.

With such amazingly strong dedication and conviction, I’m certain the Army will accept with open arms their offers to serve—and serve immediately.

To enlist as an Active-Duty Soldier in the U.S. Army you must be:

• Between the ages of 17 and 34
• A U.S. Citizen or Permanent Resident Alien
• Healthy and in good physical condition
• In good moral standing

Now, some might argue that because almost all the Chickenhawks are only one of those things (see Bullet Point #2) they are automatically exempt. But since they’re so damn fired up about this war, and since they’ve fought so damn hard for this war they’ve got to be tired of sitting on the bench. There must be no doubt—the Chickenhawks are ready to get in game!

Which is perfect since many, many, many of the soldiers they gleefully shipped off to Iraq want out. These men and women have been lied to about the reasons for war, they’ve been lied to about how long they’d be there. They don’t have the right equipment, they’re tired and they’re scared—and who can blame them? We need reinforcements bad—and the Chickenhawks are our fierce and secret Freedom Fighting Force. The Army is sure to make an exception for them!

Can you even imagine? From across the desert sands there’s a rumble and out of the dust emerges a daunting sight: Rush “Anal Cyst” Limbaugh, Bill “No-Spin” O’Reilly, Don “Foot-in-Mouth” Rumsfeld, Dick “Dick” Cheney, and George “Flight Suit” Bush!

This is certain to drive Osama and all the other Evil Doers from their hiding places, dragging behind them all of Saddam's weapons of mass destruction.

Victory is close. Let’s get this Mission Accomplished.

Send in the Chickenhawks!

How can you help? A little friendly encouragement, of course! Going to war could still be a somewhat daunting prospect for some of these brave men—so let them know you believe in them and that you believe they have what it takes to sort the Iraq mess out. You don’t start something and not finish it, and by God, they started this one.

Step #1:
Go to the Army recruiting site and locate your nearest recruiting office. When you get the chance, swing by the office and pick up some pamphlets.

Step #2:
Get an envelope and some stamps.

Step #3:
Choose a Chickenhawk. You can find a full list of them here, courtesy of the New Hampshire Gazette.

Step #4:
Write a short personalized letter wishing the your Chickenhawk well in Iraq. Tell him you know he will quickly lead America to victory, find Osama, find weapons, establish democracy, teach all Muslims to love America, and—oh yes—get Iraq’s oil flowing again (right into America).

Step #5:
Slap an address on that envelope and slip it into the mail!

Here are addresses for several of America’s newest fighting force:

George W. Bush
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue NW
Washington, DC 20500
(or email your encouragement: president@whitehouse.gov)

Dick Cheney
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue NW
Washington, DC 20500
(vice.president@whitehouse.gov)

Karl Rove
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue NW
Washington, DC 20500

Donald H. Rumsfeld
Secretary of Defense
1000 Defense Pentagon
Washington, DC 20301-1000

Paul Wolfowitz
Deputy Secretary of Defense
1010 Defense Pentagon
Washington, DC 20301-1010

Bill Bennett
Empower America
1801 K Street NW
Suite 410K
Washington, DC 20006-5805
empower1@empower.org

Newt Gingrich
The Gingrich Group
1301 K Street NW
Suite 800 West
Washington, DC 20005
E-Mail Form

Sean Hannity
Fox News Channel
1211 Avenue Of The Americas
New York, NY
Hannity@foxnews.com

Rush Limbaugh
The Rush Limbaugh Show
1270 Avenue of the Americas
New York, NY 10020
rush@eibnet.com

Bill O’Reilly
Fox News Channel
1211 Avenue Of The Americas
New York, NY
Oreilly@foxnews.com

Joe Scarborough
MSNBC TV
One MSNBC Plaza
Secaucus, N.J. 07094
joe@Msnbc.com

Special note:
Chickenhawk Alan Keyes is excused from duty because a few years ago he jumped in a mosh pit—and the American people dig that kind of thing.